And now, January is here.
For us, January will never, ever be the same. It's the month on the calendar that we have in the back of our minds all year round. And as we get closer to this month these past two years, the drumbeat begins and sort of looms in the background of our daily life. Some days banging loudly so it's all that we can consider, and other days it stays at a quiet hum.
For those who are new to our story, it was on January 25th, 2014, when our precious son Ethan Matthew was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It's not like the memory of what happened is ever far from my mind, but as we approach this month, the memories come to the surface more easily and often. The look on our nurse practitioner's face as she carefully examined Ethan for what I thought was a long-running cold. A phone call on a Saturday morning from our doctor to get to the emergency room as soon as we could. Signing paperwork to authorize chemotherapy treatment for my 3 1/2 year old boy. The juggle of trying to see precious Eloise, only 18 months at the time, while we spent so many of our days and nights in the hospital. The whirlwind. The desperation. The free fall of a life quickly changed.
But also, God's presence.
As much as I remember the pain and despair and complete free fall that began on that day two years ago in January, I also distinctly and clearly remember God's presence. How He sustained us. How He gave us what we needed, right when we needed it. How He surrounded us with a core group of friends and family who carried us. How He surrounded us with a larger army of prayer warriors, and friends who loved us and served us in a time when we had absolutely nothing else to give in return.
In fact, the tangible experience of God's very real presence in the midst of our suffering, in the midst of our winter, sent me on a search throughout the first year of Ethan's treatment to find a picture of winter. I wanted to find a tangible picture of this season to hang in our home as a reminder of what God has done. To remember that in winter, God met us. He sustained us. He met us where we were at and lifted our heads to take each next step.
And so I searched, through our own stack of pictures, in antique stores and online - any store I happened to visit, for this picture I had in my mind. And after a few months of searching, I found it in one of my favorite antique stores here in St. Louis, and my sweet Pete was gracious enough to buy it for me for my birthday last year.
For those of you who have been to our home you've seen it - this beautiful painting of winter in the woods that now hangs in our living room. Deep snow and trees. And in the midst of the trees, a ray of light shining down on the snow.
Light in the midst of darkness. Winter and hope. Hope in the midst of winter.
Oh you guys, it is the cry of my heart. How I never would have chosen this path for Ethan, for our family. How there are times that I want to be pulled from it. How desperately I want to wrap my arms around Ethan and protect him from all of this. How powerless it feels to not be able to take it from him. And yet, how thankful I am to have a God who did not abandon me or Ethan or Pete or Eloise in any of this. How thankful I am that His pursuit of my heart, in the midst of my tears and questions and rage and despair, has not ceased. It is because of His presence, His grace, and His strength that we have endured any of this. And I don't want to forget it.
And so, January is here. You can pray for us as we take this month to remember and reflect on the last two years of this journey and navigate all that comes to the surface. God has been so good to us and the pain of watching our boy endure all of this has also been very real. Both are true and it's part of the process to reflect, know and experience both.
Thank you, faithful army, for continuing on this journey with us. We are grateful for your continued prayers.
For it is you who light my lamp;
the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
Psalm 18:28
No comments:
Post a Comment