He knew

For those of you who have had a chance to visit Ethan's room at our house you know that one of his walls is covered in "photo wallpaper." He's always loved photos and it was a fun way that I found to put up photos of all of our friends and family that are special to him, many of whom live far away.

Since we are blessed to live only 10 minutes away from Children's here, I have been able to go home and shower and repack my overnight bag several times this past week. It's usually these trips back home that are the hardest, as I can physically see the change that has happened in our life. Most difficult, is when I take a walk into Ethan's room, everything now quiet. The toys are put away, his bed made neatly. Each time I've gone home, I've sat on his bed and just stared at his photo wall. And the thought that continually has run through my mind as I've stared at each picture of Ethan with all of the people that he loves is -- He knew.

God knew. He knew when I held my big spud in my arms for the first time on June 6th, 2010. He knew when we welcomed his baby sister on May 28, 2012. He knew when we ran through the water fountains last summer in Tower Grove Park. He knew when we splashed in the ocean this fall. He knew when we celebrated Christmas in Minnesota just a month ago.

God knew that my son would have cancer. He knew that this would be part of his story. He knew.

He knew, and even better yet, he knows. He knows my son intimately, the number of hairs on his head that will soon fall to the ground. The aches in his tummy. How many cancer cells live in his blood. How long he's had this disease. What the road ahead will entail. Everything I want to know but don't. Everything I long to see, but can't. God knows, and He is in control. And the peace that I find in that truth is a life preserver to my soul. In the words of my Auntie Gail - we are SAFE. God is who He says he is - He is good. He is loving. He loves us so much that he sent HIS only son to die so that we might have life. He loves Ethan even more than I do. And He's got this. He is the God of the universe and He is in control. He's got this.

Pete and Ethan have been memorizing Psalm 16:8 together over the last several months --- and now amidst such a trial as this, we can see how God used that scripture memory to help knit the truth about who He is into our hearts to remember and live by now. I've included all of Psalm 16 below (verse 8 bolded in red), as it's been such a comfort and joy to all of us.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
    in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
    you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
    in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;
    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. (v. 8)

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
    my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
    or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;
    in your presence there is fullness of joy;
    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16