home and other thoughts

Ethan really has cancer. And this is really not going away. Those are the two thoughts that have been staying at the forefront of my mind lately.

It's a strange thing to process how life has changed since Ethan's diagnosis. Little things remind me of life before. Like seeing a pack of sushi in the hospital's cafeteria and remembering that Pete and I had gone on a sushi date the Wednesday before diagnosis. And then thinking about how the process of going on a date now will take a lot more planning and effort. Or when I walked past Ethan's classroom last week, on the way to meet with his teachers to talk about his return, and felt such sadness of him having to miss out on school right now because he is starting chemo.

Or the fact that I have yet to erase the calendar on our chalkboard wall that shows all of the things we did the week before diagnosis. It is a picture of exactly what we did before we knew he had cancer.

And today, while perusing facebook I saw some pictures of our friends at the beach. And I was reminded of how we had been making plans to go the beach again this spring, especially because of Ethan's LOVE of the ocean. And that made me think of our happy beach times this Fall.

Like this one...

 And this one...

 We really love the beach.

Oh the beach.

It's not like we won't be back at the beach again. We will. Today I was just reminded that life is different now and our plans have changed. Some things have been put on hold, for how long, we're not sure. And that's how the processing of all this goes. A moment of sadness to reflect and grieve, and then all of a sudden the kids are giggling with Pete, trying to have bubbles land on their tummies, and so on we go. There is a definite grief in all of this, but I'm thankful that it comes and goes like the waves.

And speaking of going...going we did, all the way HOME again yesterday!

We were thankfully discharged yesterday morning, even though Ethan's counts hadn't quite gotten to where his doctors had hoped. Since he had improved in his counts each of the 3 previous days, they felt confident that they were moving in the right direction but were also careful to say that we could be back in the hospital again next week after his next chemo, depending on how things go. We are learning that that is what we should expect - the unpredictable and the abrupt life of coming and going to and from the hospital.

Nevertheless it was a very Happy Valentine's Day getting be under one roof again!

As you can see, the movie was more important than snapping a smiling Valentine's Day picture for mommy. I'm letting it slide this year. :)

Thanks for continuing to pray for us. We are hoping that we will stay fever-free so that we can stay home for a while. Ethan's next chemo is on Tuesday, Day 22 of his treatment, where he will receive 2 IV chemo drugs at the outpatient clinic at Children's. Please continue to pray that Ethan's counts would continue to recover and also for our sweet Eloise, who seems to be down with a little bit of a cold too.

We are so thankful for all of you, our faithful army of prayer warriors. We hope you had a great Valentine's Day!