the daily grind

While treading lightly on the "I know I've said this before" waters, I have to say that lately, it's just been hard. I feel like I shouldn't even say something like that because we have so many things to be thankful for. We've gone 8 weeks without a hospital admission. Ethan's been able to go to school a couple of days. My mom is back and has been such a huge blessing with all the ways she has served and helped us. We have a nanny that we absolutely love and has also been a big blessing.

And yet, the last few weeks in particular, I have felt just a sadness that has seemed to lay a weighty blanket on most of the days. In so many ways it makes sense because we are still in this, after all. Our new life has not changed. It's still my precious son being treated for leukemia. It's still the 3 years of of chemotherapy treatment ahead. And then the lifetime of potential late effects to consider.

Ugh. Can you feel it?

Our counselor was able to put words to my sense of heaviness last week when he said that the cushion of adrenaline - so present at the beginning as we catapulted into this whole thing in the blink of an eye - has faded now, leaving more space for my mind to process the reality of what this leukemia means for Ethan both now and in the future. And it's heavy. I wish it would go away, and that I could take it all away from Ethan, and yet am powerless to do so.

We have neared the end of this second phase of Ethan's treatment (Consolidation). Last Wednesday he had the last chemo scheduled for this round and we learned that he was neutropenic with counts in the mid 200 range. He was scheduled to start the next phase (Interim Maintenance) this Wednesday (5/14) and so he had labs checked today with a goal to be at 750. Unfortunately, he is still neutropenic with a count below 100, and so his team has delayed his treatment for one week. The plan is to check his labs again next Monday 5/19 to see if he makes goal and if so, to resume chemotherapy treatment on Wednesday 5/21.

So, the daily grind continues but we get some reprieve this week from treatment to let Ethan's body take more time to recover. Please pray that it does - and that we all stay healthy. Thank you for continuing to keep our family and Ethan in your prayers.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end; 

 they are new every morning;   
 great is your faithfulness.

 Lamentations 3:22-23