reality

The other day I was at Target with Ethan and Eloise and while we were waiting for the elevator, a boy a few yards away from us pointed and said to his mom, "Mom, that boy has cancer." The mom quickly pulled him aside and, shushing him from speaking so loudly.

I felt like I was hit in the gut, honestly. Which may sound silly since of course, since Ethan does have cancer. But there was something about having another boy close in age point it out and recognize it that caused such a deep grief in my heart - a reminder that the cancer is real. People see it. They recognize it.

Today, we had to go back to the clinic because Ethan's fever that he's been battling for the last few days has still not gone away. We rode the elevator with another lady on our way to the HemOnc floor and when she got off on her floor she asked me: "What kind does he have?" I was startled - "T-Cell ALL." And as the doors closed she replied "My child is in remission, you all will be in my prayers. Just remember that God is good."

Recognition again, but this time from someone who knows. She not only recognized the cancer but if she has a child in remission, than she knows the journey we are on. And her parting words? God is good.

God is good. Something I believe to be true and yet to be honest, right now that truth doesn't feel so good. On one hand, His goodness is how we are surviving any of this and yet on the other - none of this feels so great and in fact it is pretty awful to have to watch my boy suffering and be powerless to really help.

Pete said it best the other night when he said that theology right now is the rock that we stand on, but it's not necessarily the cozy blanket that we snuggle up with at night. It's what carries and sustains us, but doesn't always bring a cozy comfort. Which in a way is refining. My faith is being refined in the midst of a painful, uncomfortable and uncertain journey where I can hang my hope on nothing else but on the truth of who God says He is. There is nothing else to stand on. I have to believe that God is good, even when it doesn't feel good. And when I don't believe it? Dear God, please help me in my unbelief.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;
    my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Psalm 62:5-7

So that all to say - we are just in the midst of a tough stretch this week. Which made the anonymous lady in the elevator's comment feel more raw, but in a way it also encouraging, like a little reminder or small push at my back to keep going, to look up to Jesus more than at the sorrow that I feel. It was refreshing, and for that I am thankful.

Once we arrived at clinic, Ethan's team decided pretty immediately that they wanted to admit him in order to try and figure out the source of the symptoms that he's been having. After labs and cultures, results came back showing that he is positive for both a viral infection and a bacterial infection. He has an enterovirus - which is a common virus that causes a lot of GI upset and fevers, and also has c-diff - which is a bacterial infection common in hospitals and in patients undergoing chemotherapy.

So, we're here now in the hospital, most likely for at least a couple of days while they get treatment started and make sure he is improving. Please pray that the medications would be effective and that his body would begin to heal from both the virus and infection. It's a huge bummer that he's got a double-whammy sickness going on right now, but I'm thankful that we discovered what the culprits are so that he can get the right medicine and start feeling better.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us and especially for my sweet boy.