But if I'm honest, there's also been silence because December, in particular, has had me very nostalgic. Because it was this time last year that I had a dream. A dream that stuck in my mind, that bothered me. You see, I believe that God can work and speak through dreams but that it's not especially common, and so even now, I don't want to assume meaning. But I do feel compelled to tell the story and so here goes:
I was on a plane. For some reason I was helping to clean off tray tables, even though I was a passenger and not a flight attendant. The pilot came on and said we were getting ready to land and so I sat down and the lady next to me, who was very nervous, asked me if she should put her seat belt on. I said yes, it could get bumpy. And that's when the plane began to free fall. I felt panicked and there was lots of screaming. A few moments later the plane righted itself and there was a moment of relief, until it started to plummet again. I was panicked again for a moment but started to pray, thinking this was it, and immediately felt an undeniable peace, amidst the free fall.
And that's when I woke up. And oh, did that dream bother me, like what in the world could this mean? And since I couldn't shake the dream, I decided to write it down in my journal - as a way to remember what it was, but also as a way to be done with it - to give it to God and dwell or worry about what it did or didn't mean.
Fast forward about a month later in January, when my precious son, Ethan was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. And one of the first things I thought of that day in the Emergency Room at St. Louis Children's Hospital, was that dream. Because it was exactly how I felt --- like I was in a sustained freefall. The world as I knew it was crashing, and yet I was still being upheld and sustained. There was peace even amidst the chaos.
And really, that describes the first few months of this year - chaos. Despair. Lots of crashing. And yet, so very much sustained by the Holy Spirit. I've gone back to read some of those early blog posts and can sense even now, God's very real presence and the assurance that I had that He was in control. That He was faithful. That He was sovereign.
And now, here we are, over 11 months from that day, and a new year just on the horizon. And I've been struggling with this tension between the joy and blessing and
thankfulness of being where we are --- that Ethan is in remission and
doing WELL, that his joy continues to abound, that our life isn't as
dictated by the hospital as it was for so much of this year --- and the
raw reality that pediatric cancer sucks and has forever changed our
lives. That we are blessed to be where we are and yet cancer still
happened. And because it happened, everything changed. For Ethan, and
for our whole family.
Which brings me to yesterday morning. I picked up My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers to read the day's devotional and skipped ahead to read the entry for December 31st, the last day of this unbelievable year.
And there it was, the word:
Yesterday.
"At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet anxiety is apt to arise when we remember our yesterdays....
But God is the God of our yesterdays."
Oh you guys, what a truth that went straight to my heart. Because for me, especially lately, anxieties will begin to surface not when I think directly about the future, but when I think about the past. About what's happened -- leukemia. Chemotherapy. Radiation. That the treatment that saved Ethan's life can also have life-changing effects now and in the future. That the year we've had has wounded all of us.
And so, as has been such a theme this year - God is continually reminding me of his sovereignty, right when I need it. And what a truth to cling to -- and one that I will continually need to cling to -- today, tomorrow, next year and all the years to come. God is not only sovereign over the future, but the past. His sovereignty extends to cover Ethan (and all of our) entire stories -- past, present and future. And that includes this entire year of trial - beginning, middle and end.
2014 was a life-changing year in every single area, and we end it so much different than when we began. I don't understand it, we haven't recovered from it, there are life-altering changing implications from it -- and yet God has shown himself to be real this year, in a way that I've never experienced before, and for that, I'm thankful. We have been sustained, even when our world came crashing down.
"For you shall not go out in haste,
and you not go in flight,
for the LORD will go before you,
and the God of Israel will be your rear guard."
Isaiah 52:12
