the journey

Sometimes you're just walking along and suddenly, you step into a deep hole. Emotionally, that's what seems to happen on this journey that we're on. Things are cruising along and I feel like I've got a handle on the kids and the house, and Ethan's feeling okay and then, all of a sudden I'm in tears.

Take today, for instance. We enjoyed a beautiful morning at the Botanical Gardens with my sister and her kiddos. It was such a a blessing to see them after many weeks of time apart due to sickness on both of our ends and their travels to North Dakota. So, we enjoyed a morning stroll and the kids (and the moms) had a blast. 

The morning was sunny and bright! We were actually out and about and enjoying the summer! Ethan's feeling good! We're on a little break from chemo! 

Walking along. 

And then when we got home Ethan bumped his port on the counter in just a way that must have really hurt and suddenly he's in tears and I'm trying to help discern what's wrong and what to do next.  Once the crisis abated we were able to enjoy lunch. I got both him and Eloise tucked in for their naps and suddenly, that's when I stepped into the hole. And my own tears began. 

You see, there were a couple of times before Ethan's diagnosis when he had had a sudden outburst of pain in his chest like what he experienced today.  Looking back I've wondered if it was because of the leukemic mass that was starting to grow. Perhaps it was, perhaps it wasn't - I'll never know. But either way, today's tears because of pain in his chest brought me immediately back to January. And down into a hole of helplessness and borderline despair I went:

How could I have not known of Ethan's leukemia? That he was as sick as he was? I failed him as a mother! I am helpless to help him. I should have known. I failed.

When Ethan was diagnosed, truly I felt so much like I had failed. How could I have missed what was happening? I am his mother after all! And so today, unexpectedly, after a joyful morning spent with auntie and the cousins - that sense of failure and helplessness came right back, triggered by Ethan's tears and pain. Such sadness and disbelief that this is all really happening.

But then, God. 

Psalm 40 (verses 1-3, v. 11) says:

"I waited patiently for the LORD,

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, 

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

...As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain

your mercy from me;

your steadfast love and your faithfulness will

ever preserve me."

You guys, what wonder and strength is found in knowing that it is God's steadfast love and faithfulness that will ever preserve me. That He can take me from the deep holes of this journey and set my feet on the rock. That he hears my cry. It is a marvelous thing, the love of God. 

And of course that doesn't mean that there won't be plenty of more holes I'll step into in the future. It's just what life's journey brings - for all of us, cancer or not. But today, I'm thankful that God reminded me of who He is and of his faithfulness. And that I don't have to pick myself up out of the holes of despair. That I am set securely on a Rock that will never fail. 

Truly, what a Savior.